The Message of his Silence

Written February 2, 2012

Andre is now 4 years and 8 months old, he's been engaged in therapy since before he turned 2. Since my little boy was born, until this very moment that I am writing this note, he hasn't spoken a word yet, well none that we understood (sometimes he seems to utter words but we cannot comprehend what are those and what he actually meant.

Andre is a bright boy, he is still our baby until now (at least that's how I look at him and call him everyday.."Baby boy"). He plays a lot specially with me. I wish I could hear him say "hey dad, can we play now?" Or just a simple "goodbye and hello", but I just have to face the truth that I can't...Not yet!

The best thing about Andre's silence is his ability to connect with me and my wife and to his sister Angela. Andre, next to God, is our family's center. We try to give him ample attention, outmost understanding, love and care. Andre never fails to share these things back to us.

My morning will not be complete without him waking me up with the box of his almond milk he got from the ref (Andre is an early riser). He would wake me or her mom up just to tell us to give him his morning milk.

In the evening when I come home, he patiently waits for me to get settled and cleaned up and we start playing, he never gets tired. We laugh, we play, we laugh, as if I could hear him say "I'm enjoying this dad, what took you so long to get home?" After we play, I usually ask him to give me a hug, I really like to giving him those baby hugs. When I hug my little boy and tell him "I love you", I can hear his heart says "I love you too dad" his smile after we hug and as we settle down and call it a night, is just enough to let me endure a day's hard work.

Andre's silence is a beauty beneath. His silence speaks more than the absence of words coming out in his mouth. Most of the time I ask myself when will he ever talk to me? When will we share stories like how his sister and I do? When will he say what pasalubong he wants? When will he call me on the phone just to tell me a short kid-made story? Perhaps next month, or next year, or the next next year, the truth is, I really don't know, I am not certain, but I am not worried, I am not hopeless, I am not giving up! I will keep on believing, I will still hope and expect the best, and I will continue to listen to his own words, the words of his laughter, the words of his heart, for only through those I can connect to my son. If one day and my life ends and he still cannot speak, I will still have memories of him and how we communicated with our actions and activities together.

Autism is not an illness, it is a cure for people like me and you, it is a reminder of how God loves us and how special he made each and everyone of us.

If I could live my life over again as a dad, I will still choose to have Andre and his sister as my kids. For through them I found strength, I found peace amidst all their tantrums and playful nature, and most importantly, I found purpose and a well-driven life that the Lord wants me to live.